Welcome to 2011

Depending on where you are and what time I actually post this for the first time, you may have already entered the new year. Congratulations to you on another wonderful year of life in this difficult but glorious world. I'm in a mind to think of resolutions. This is the first time in many years that I don't have alcohol or worse in my presence to ring in the new year. I think of the major turning point in my life that I had in May of 2010 when I accepted Jesus into my life and asked for His help with my drinking. Many of you know that I consider a dramatic difference between believing and following and that is the time that I changed from a believer to a follower.

I don't usually even worry about resolutions, I've always considered them a waste of time and energy. I mean, let's be real, if you normally attend a gym to exercise in, you know what happens for the next 2 to 4 months. You'll be lucky to get a machine, or a class with all the temporary people there. By March, nearly all of them will be gone, back to their old habits and putting back on the weight they may have lost over the past few months. I would be one of those if I made that resolution.

What about treating people better? Being a follower of Christ I have begun to treat others much better already and intend to continue to improve. But if I wasn't a follower, without my heart being changed by regular bible study and prayer, honestly people would just begin to irritate me after about 2 weeks and I'd get just as cantankerous as before.

What about work? How about trying to improve my station in life by working harder, getting that promotion, stepping on someone else to climb a little higher? Doesn't really sound like me, does it?

I could honestly do better about my eating habits. When I'm at work it's not uncommon for me to eat out 2-4 times a week. So there is one to consider, and even if I only stick to it for a couple of months I'll save the family a chunk of change.

So, with all this in consideration, and knowing my own laziness that God is working on, little by little, I think I have a good idea for my resolution. I do hereby resolve to continue my studies of the Bible, the word of God. I also do hereby resolve to open myself up to Him more so that He may work through me and His light shine from me for others to see. I ask that He continues to shape me as clay on the potter's wheel and uses me as His tool for His work in our world. That I remember the lessons I have learned of peace and tolerance and that when I speak the word to others it's with love and humbleness in my heart.

As I enter the new year, I have classes that I'm going to be taking in January and February on money management and peacemaking, both with an emphasis on the Christian view and how we think Jesus wants us to handle these things. I hope to get a bead on a couple of my personal issues that have eluded me. Money, I've never had much and so need to learn how to handle what I have to make the most of it. How will the teachings of Jesus from 2,000 years ago translate into our modern terms? Peacemaking is one of those things I used to know how to do, but in the past 20 years I've become harsher, more cynical and less patient. I'm looking forward to seeing how Jesus wants me to react to adversity and how to deal with conflict.

So as you enter the new year, give some thought to your resolutions and what you can do to bring yourself closer to God in His perfect love. We are all works in progress, with different points to work on, different desires, challenges, habits, hang-ups and hurts. We think we can handle it on our own, but we're wrong. We need Him and we need each other to change us into the community of believers that He needs to do His work and bring Heaven on Earth.

Christ-mass

Yes, note the spelling. What can I say? I love Christ! I love Christmas! I love everything about it, the music the lights, the co-opted pagan rituals and decorations, the love for your fellow man, the giving, the receiving, the food...Not so fond of not drinking during it.

This was my first Christmas without buying some good ole Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nogg complete with the whiskey, rum, etc. in many years. Add to that the usual family get together with the conspicuous absence of the usual two or three bottles of wine. To be honest, I wasn't the only one with a problem with alcohol there yesterday, I was just the only one in Recovery. I'm actually pretty sure that it was because of the other person there wasn't any alcohol there, not me. But I am thankful for its absence.

It wasn't difficult to get through the Holy Day without drinking, it just kind of felt missing. I don't want to say lacking because it was one of the more spiritual Christmas's I've had in my 40 years. So there was great joy and thankfulness to the day and season. There's what your accustomed to, and what you do. What I did was focus on Jesus Christ and His birth and arrival on this little blue rock and what it meant to us as a world.

There are those who focus on the gifting, good will towards men, decorations, and feasting. But I think we miss something big when we don't focus on the word. Christmas, Christ-mass, Mass for Jesus Christ, the Son of Man, in celebration of the newborn King over all the world. I saw a video put out by a Christian where he change it to Jesusmas. I kind of like that.

Honestly, the guy is kind of goofy but he has done a lot of research and I've used some of the information he uses. I hope the video comes up for you. This is the first time I've tried to do this but if it works I will have learned something new.

Imagining the first Christmas

Luke 2

The Birth of Jesus

 ¹ In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ² (This was the first census that took place while^[a] Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³ And everyone went to their own town to register.
 ⁴ So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵ He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶ While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷ and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.
 ⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
 ¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
 ¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
   and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
 ¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”
 ¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.
 ²¹ On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise the child, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he was conceived.

Okay, I admit, I just copied and pasted this from Biblegateway.com. But it saved me a bunch of typing, so why not?

Let's step back in time to the night the Jesus was born. We celebrate Christmas in the winter right around the winter solstice, but most people are aware that we really don't know the time of year that He was born. We can get a feel for what season it may have been, though. We read that Rome wanted a census taken. I'm sure for much the same reasons we have them today. It's doubtful they would have had people travelling around during the dead of winter, or during the spring planting, high summer when the field needed to be worked, or early fall during the harvest. So it must have been around mid fall after the harvest, say around late September by the calender we use today.

So, here is Joseph and Mary, her very pregnant, having to travel to Bethlehem for a Census. There are those that argue with this that Luke wrote this just to put Jesus in the town of David at the time of His birth. I wasn't there, and all I really have to go by is the Bible. So I'll say yes, they had to make that trip. Now, remember that Mary had been pregnant before they were married, and Joseph knew that he wasn't the father. But he had been told what was going on. That didn't make things any easier for them. As much stigma as can be attached to an unwed mother today, it must have been much worse then. History tells us that he could have put her out, which would have left her with no resources of her own and no means of getting them. She would have been at the mercy of the graciousness of others for a way to survive at all. It would have been a difficult life.

But an angel came to Joseph and explained what was happening, so he stayed with her. Never even consummating the marriage until after the birth of Jesus. THAT, my friends, is an act of faith and love. By attaching himself to this girl (and let's face it, during that time it's doubtful she was over 16 years old) he has actually soiled his name in the eyes of the town. Oh sure, many would say how gracious he is to overlook what happened. How wonderful he is to take on the bastard child, and without the knowledge of who Jesus really is, that is the view they would have had.

Talk about humble beginnings! But it doesn't end there. In Matthew 2 we learn of the Magi who came to see Him and it is written that it is in a house, but in Luke it talks about a manger. What gives? In our modern farms, people live in one place and the farm animals live in another building. 2,000 years ago, however, animals would have frequently been kept in the same place the people stayed. It's much safer for the animals, which are your livelihood, and it was prohibitively expensive to build a barn. So to say Jesus was born in a manger in a house. If He would have been in the manger, that would mean that they had been relegated to staying below with the animals.

Why would God have sent Jesus to earth to be born in such an incredibly humble way? Certainly He could have been an incredible power being born to a wealthy family of power. Perhaps a King or Emperor. But God had always had a special love for the Hebrews. They were the ones that had always stayed true to him in word at least, if not in spirit. We can discuss the Pharisees another time. But there were Hebrews with some power, some money. Why not one of them?

I can think of a couple of reasons. First and foremost, Jesus had come for the masses, for the humble and poor. The ones who needed Him most would be able to relate to Him best. If He had been raised by the wealthy, the vast majority of people would have viewed Him as just another rich man, and He would have not been able to perform His most important task. The rich and powerful were given quick deaths when sentenced. He had to suffer and die for our sins. This can and will be discussed at length. I'm thinking around Easter. It kind of makes sense to me.

There is a second reason for such humble beginnings. Safety. The Son of Man had to have a chance to grow up! In Matthew 2: 13-18 we are told that Joseph, Mary, and Jesus had to flee to Egypt to escape King Herod. So He was hunted from the start. But because He wasn't in a high profile family, it was easy to stay "below the radar".

We know that Jesus could have easily protected Himself from danger, He could have called down a host of angels to be His army. He could have come down and wiped the earth clean of all who opposed Him. But that isn't what our God wants. He gave us free will to choose or not choose. He wants us to choose Him out of love. So to bridge the gap between heaven and earth, between man and God, He sent down a part of Himself.

How great is that?

Ups and Downs

It's all about the ups and downs in our lives and how we react to them. I'm in the middle of several people's lives and am on the outside looking in, trying to take what lessons I can, helping where I can, and not getting sucked in too deep wherever possible.

On the up side, and there are a few up sides in my friend's lives, my friends that came to my Celebrate Recovery meeting last week and this week are doing really well. They spent the night last night (not recommended if these aren't people you've known a VERY long time when you consider that we're dealing with addictions) due to the complications involved in seeing they're children today. I took them up this morning and, aside from no power at the house I dropped them off at due to a wind storm last night, all went off with very little trouble. They did have a couple of downs throughout the night, turns out their camera's memory got wiped accidentally and they lost a bunch of pictures of their children. I thought that got handled fairly well, attitude wise. The other thing I won't disclose at this time without permission and more information, so you'll just have to wait.

Then there's another friend who is in the middle of a REAL down time. Complete relapse that is causing him to lose his job, his girl, his apartment, and quite possibly his freedom. This one is more complicated because, while it's easy to be involved when things are going well, when things go in the toilet, you could get sucked down in the flush if you're too close. I'm trying to be his friend, but at this time he isn't calling back or responding to my texts so there's only so much I can do for him. Last time I talked to him he was sober, it was 7:15 a.m. and he was checking into inpatient care to dry up. Lord we pray that he was able to find the help he needs and that he doesn't respond to my calls because there is no contact allowed there. Amen.

But there's danger in being too involved when things are going well, too. When the bad time comes, whether it be relapse or what, as another person in recovery, you need to insulate yourself somewhat to keep from being pulled down with the other person. This can easily be construed as being 2 faced or not being there for them when they need you. But you have to remember that they didn't call on you when they were at the top of the spiral and be honest with you that they had slipped up or thought they were about to. They most likely hid it or washed over it. Or if they were confronted with it they may have blown you off, not wanting to listen to you. By the time someone is in full blown relapse, and maybe they're drinking or drugging every day or nearly so, there is little you can do to help them. Maintaining contact is something you can do so you are there when they really are ready to climb up, but aside from that, it's up to them.

It's the part of free will that God gave us that we abuse. We can save no soul that doesn't want to be saved, and we can free no addict that doesn't want freedom.

There are others in my life that I want to help, some will let me, others won't. There's some that will let me help them for a while and then when I don't return a call or respond to a text they'll assume that I'm not there for them. They couldn't be more wrong, I have the Holy Spirit on my side and through Him all things that are right and just will happen. There are and will be times that I'm not as close to Jesus as I should be, that's when my own selfishness and ego seem to take over for a bit. At those times, I find it more difficult to be there for others, but I know that is the time I need to work twice as hard, and read twice as much of the Bible. When God tested Job, Job felt the distance of God in a way that I hope I never do. But he never railed against God, he never lost his faith in the everlasting Father. I can only pray that I never lose my faith and understanding even in the face of great danger and hardships that will come.

Ups and downs will come in all our lives, as is the natural ebb and flow of being human. Sometimes the down times are of outside influences, like a job layoff or the death of a loved one. Sometimes they are of our own making, drinking, drugging, sexual immorality, or anger issues. The difference is in how we react to them. Will we be like Job? Steadfast faith in God, not unquestioning, but never wavering. Or will we be like Judas Iscariot? In a moment of weakness giving in to selfish desires at the expense of others only to feel the pain of remorse later for our misdeeds. Job lost much. His entire family killed in an earthquake that brought their house down on top of them, his business in financial ruins, then terrible, potentially disfiguring sickness. Throughout the entire ordeal, he questioned God, but he always revered God. If you know the story, you know that God rewarded him greatly for his faith and Judas Iscariot hung himself, having never even spent his 30 pieces of silver.

So, if you are someone that is putting your faith in another person, be aware, they will fail you. Not intentionally, not with anger or childish feelings, but out of their very humanity. There is only one that will never fail you. I will continue to be there for my friends. If the person that relapsed calls and wants my help, I'll be there. If the ones that I dropped off this morning call, I'll be there. If the one that thinks I'm ignoring her when I didn't answer my phone (I'm betting it was when the phone was off and charging, the battery is almost 2 years old and failing) calls, I'll be there too. I'll do my best to do the right thing for each and every one of you because not only would each one of you do it for me, we have been told that the world will know us by our love for one another.

Be forewarned, I'm still human and sometimes I'm the one that's down. But I will be there to the best of my ability.

God's Amazing Work

Let's see if I can keep it on track tonight.

I've been attending a Celebrate Recovery class for several months now, since the end of May 2010. If you don't know, it's a 12 step program like AA but fully Christian oriented. We have a little social time for the first half hour, a few show up for that. I like to be one of them, but if things are running late it's the easy thing to cut out of the evening. The next hour is dedicated to Bible Study and a lesson plan that's geared towards recovery. After a short break for bathrooms and cigs for the smokers (I gave that one up almost 3 years ago now, drinking was tougher I think) we split up into groups for men and women. This allows for a separate kind of sharing because it allows for the unique differences between how men and women think and share.

I have a pair of friends, they're a couple that have 2 children together and a history of drugs and alcohol. They've both been clean and sober for 8 months now (YEAH!). I've known him for almost 20 years now, and her for just a couple. They reside some distance away in downtown Seattle and attend AA meetings and counseling up there. They recently had to sell their car just to have a Christmas at all.

I've been trying to get them down into my area for months now to come to my C.R. class. He's been blowing me off for a long time now and finally I guess I just wore him down. God decided enough pussy footin around and put it in his heart to make the hour long bus ride with her, after he talked her into it too. Bear in mind they were facing another hour long bus ride to get home afterward. So this was a substantial time commitment for them.

Anyway, they finally came down, met me at my work, which probably saved about 45 minutes of bus time on top of the hour they had already been on for, and I took them to my house and fed them a decent dinner. Dinner was kind of part of the hook to getting them down. Then she found out that the whole meeting was 2 1/2 hours! "What? 2 1/2 hours? That's crazy, you didn't tell me that!" She was a bit surprised at that information. But we calmed her down with Starbucks before the meeting, so she had a good attitude for it (I'm kind of kidding here, she had a good attitude throughout, but the time took her by surprise).

I gave them a run down of how these meeting work and she was happy because she had been thinking she wanted more God in her life. I told her nearly everything in my life has God in it, so she was going to get some either way if the came around my house (cue the laugh track). Turns out that was exactly what she needed. He did too. They both found themselves sharing and asking questions. Opening up and talking about the kind of things you just don't normally do with people you just met. Later on he told me that it just felt safe and compelling to talk. I give that to God. He provided an environment where 2 people who were normally very guarded and not open with new people could safely open up.

In spite of all the difficulties to come down here, guess where they're planning on being this Friday?

It's all God's Amazing Work and it brings tears to my eyes to see Him at work in my friends. If you've tried to help friends that blow you off time and time again, if you know it's God's work, keep trying. Just smile when they make that next excuse and then try again. I never put them down, I never asked what their problem was, I never took it personally, I just kept inviting them.

I'm a Hypocrite

I've had an epiphany: The typical Christian that regularly reads the Bible and studies the Word and it's meaning has a very different point of view from the person, while I'm quite sure is very well meaning and caring of others, who simply doesn't follow the Word of God. This isn't a liberal vs conservative point of view, because I know wonderful Christians who fall on both sides of the fence on that. I discussed the concept of Politics and Jesus in an earlier post, if you want to know my view on that it's right there for you.

No, what I'm talking about is the hypocrisy found in the church. Does anyone believe that there aren't hypocrites in the church? If you think there aren't, and don't want to know, stop reading now.

So, assuming a person has become a Christian, has opened their heart to His love and seeks his guidance, one would expect a radical change in that person, right? Well, we have a saying, "Jesus takes you right where you are." All your bad habits, all your hang-ups, all your damage. When He enters your heart, it's all there. As an example, pornography. It's a touch subject for some people. I know one person who is completely secular, has nearly stopped speaking to me at all because I'm Christian and I think it makes her squirm just a little. But she has stated straight up that she does not believe in pornography. Obviously this is not for religious reasons but a moral standard she has developed on her own. On the other hand, I know at least a few Christians who have confessed a personal issue with it. In some cases they know its wrong, in others they are justifying it still. I myself have had my challenges with graven images (or is that craven images?). I do pretty good with it most of the time, but it's a weakness in me that I haven't fully given up to God.

Those that know me as a Christian who also may receive the occasional questionably racy email from me may consider me a hypocrite. I've been working on it. Still something I need to give up to God, but I'm a work in progress. Other things that Christians may have an issue with is drinking (uh, yup, that's me), gossip, pride, snubbing others, riotousness (I've had that one), drugs be they prescription or street (had that one before too), theft, adultery, tax cheats, abusers. What I'm saying here is that the average Christian has all the same problems coming at and from them that anybody else does.

So what does the outside world think when they see this? They think we should be all good all the time, loving everyone and everything. Professing that Jesus is our savior and that He heals all wounds and then walking around acting like everyone else just doesn't jive. Shouldn't we be better than that? Well, yes we should, and the person that has walked in the Word for many years may even be better than that. I can attest that I am a much better person now than I was 6 months ago. But the bar wasn't set very high to begin with. I still have a long way to go before I even reach the point that I could take a leadership role in my church, at least in my estimation. My house is far from in order. In spite of my many changes I still have many flaws that rear their ugly heads, and the people that know me who are not Christian are watching for those flaws. Not actively, and not maliciously. But when the pop up, they say things like, "I thought Cameron was supposed to be some uberChristian or something, why is he doing _____?" It's been said, and will be said again, I'm sure.

I enjoy a good debate. A civilized debate over a topic with a logical, intelligent person of differing views is mentally stimulating, challenging, and I find it highly enjoyable. I rarely back down from my point of view and have little issue continuing them for days if necessary. Inevitably, my religion will come out, whether by me or the other person who knows I'm a Christian and tries to use my faith against me. I welcome this because I am not ashamed of Jesus and I know He is right. So if I am using His words I know I'm doing just fine. Often, after some back and forth of this kind, they will pull the Christian Hypocrite card out. I'm not sure if they're trying to throw me off balance or not but they usually say something like, "Cameron, I have found Christians to be some of the most intolerant, uncompassionate people I know, all while attending church on Sundays and misconstruing the true message of the Bible to suit their beliefs." Pulled that one straight off a face book post from yesterday during a debate over social services.

Unfortunately, that's the experience many people have in dealing with us damaged, messed up Christians. Yes, there are hypocrites in the church, real hypocrites who go around spouting scripture while not believing a bit of it. But most of us are works in progress. Christ is with us, helping us when we need it and ask for it, but He doesn't force the changes on us, we have to seek them. We were given free will to choose Him or not, and when we do, and we listen, study, learn, and ask Him to, he makes incredible, wonderful changes in us. But we are still children, we have to try to do things on our own, not ask for help. We make mistakes and let our pride get in the way, or we gossip or partake in pornography because we think "I can handle it" or "it's no big deal". That's what they see. Not the 28 days that you were walking with Christ, but the 2 days you weren't. Not the 300 members of the church that volunteer and pay out of their own pockets to go to 3rd world countries to dig a well or build a house, but the one person in the congregation that fell and abused his wife, or the one with adultery issues, or the drunk. They point at those and say, "See! What a bunch of hypocrites!" What they don't realize is that abuser, that adulter, that drunk, they are all loved by Christ just as strongly as all the others and if those people will just hand those issues over to Christ, He will heal them and make them new.

So, if your wondering if you want to be a Christian but don't want to be one of those hypocrites, sorry, odds are you will probably be called one at some point or another. But if you want to hand over your issues to someone that will take them, reshape them into something beautiful, teach you to accept your past because you have such a fantastic future, walk with Jesus. He is by my side, waiting for me to hand over that next thing to get rid of. He is reshaping me into a tool for His use (yes, I said I'm a tool). I still have some sharp edges and rough spots, but we're working on that together. I'm so excited about my future now because I KNOW it's part of an outstanding plan. I've made mistakes, I will make more. If I'm out there doing His work there's a good chance I will be called worse things than hypocrite. I can't wait!

Christmas Party's and Sobriety

Just a quick note to my friends out there about Christmas party's. Note I don't call them "Holiday Party's". Personally, I'm celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. To the people who love to argue this point, I am well aware that December 25 is highly unlikely to be the true birth date of Jesus. It's unlikely the Romans would have held a census around the winter solstice. Travel was far too difficult and dangerous during this time of year to expect people to show up. They were conquerors, but also bureaucrats. You have to be pragmatic about these things if you want to get them done.

No, it is far more likely that we simply co-opted the season for a variety of reasons. People needed a reason to have some fun during an otherwise very difficult time of year, a certain amount of the stores needed to get used or thrown away, and pagans were fairly accustomed to celebrating things now anyway. This would be a good thing to have them tune into the Way and the Life. Also note that celebration of Christmas is really not all that old of a tradition, at least in how it's celebrated today. Christ's Mass has been celebrated in some way or another since the 3rd century A.D.

So, without further ado, how does one celebrate Christmas without alcohol? I mean, go to virtually any Christmas party, be it company, family, or even church and you will often find drinks being served. Well, maybe not at the church one, but that would depend on the particular practices of the denomination. This year, as in most, I have 3 main parties I attend, one for company, one for church small group, and one for extended family. I've already been to the company, and the church small group one. Alcohol was conspicuously absent at the small group, which I didn't even notice until after. Last year, before I quit drinking, I remember there being beer and wine there. I thank them for their consideration for me. The company party, however, little changed. I could hardly expect them to change anything just for me. There's quite a few non-believers who have little problem tying one on with an open bar.

I actually felt no pressure or desire for a drink, perhaps because of the table I was at was with other Christians with their children, or perhaps I was just able to keep it out of my mind. But perhaps it was because the Holy Spirit was with me and protected me.

Psalm 121:7
The LORD will protect you from all evil;He will keep your soul.
2 Thessalonians 3:3
But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.
I trusted in Him, I walked in confident, without thoughts of resisting that which I chose not to partake in.

There are other challenges ahead, I'm sure. There are people I have spent previous holidays with that simply don't come around anymore. Christmas with extra nog in the egg nog. New Year's with Champagne.

I do believe I am more in the spirit of Christmas this year than I've been in many years. But I'll leave that for another night.

Be sure to share this on your pages and walls. Buttons below for easy sharing. Thank you and God Bless

Tomorrow's Flowers from Today's Seeds

Words said by one of the leaders at my Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight, "Tomorrow's flowers come from the seeds we plant today." I thanked him kindly for the subject of tonight's writing.

We are all planting seeds, all the time. The only question is what kind of fruit will grow from our seeds? What does the Bible have to say about it? Jesus gave a parable on it. For a basic definition of a parable, it's a story designed to enlighten or show a lesson. Jesus used them frequently to be able to give a lesson to those who may not otherwise listen. Matthew 13:10-17 gives His explanation for using parables

An Explanation

 ¹⁰And the disciples came and said to Him, "Why do You speak to them in parables?"
 ¹¹Jesus answered them, "^(G)To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been granted.
 ¹²"^(H)For whoever has, to him more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has shall be taken away from him.
 ¹³"Therefore I speak to them in parables; because while ^(I)seeing they do not see, and while hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand.
 ¹⁴"In their case the prophecy of Isaiah is being fulfilled, which says,
         '^(J)YOU WILL KEEP ON HEARING, BUT WILL NOT UNDERSTAND;
         YOU WILL KEEP ON SEEING, BUT WILL NOT PERCEIVE;
    ^15(K)FOR THE HEART OF THIS PEOPLE HAS BECOME DULL,
         WITH THEIR EARS THEY SCARCELY HEAR,
         AND THEY HAVE CLOSED THEIR EYES,
         OTHERWISE THEY WOULD SEE WITH THEIR EYES,
         HEAR WITH THEIR EARS,
         AND UNDERSTAND WITH THEIR HEART AND RETURN,
         AND I WOULD HEAL THEM.'
 ¹⁶"^(L)But blessed are your eyes, because they see; and your ears, because they hear.
 ¹⁷"For truly I say to you that ^(M)many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.

He goes on after this and gives the parable of the sower.

Matthew 13:18-23

The Sower Explained

 ¹⁸"^(N)Hear then the parable of the sower.
 ¹⁹"When anyone hears ^(O)the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, ^(P)the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is the one on whom seed was sown beside the road.
 ²⁰"The one on whom seed was sown on the rocky places, this is the man who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy;
 ²¹yet he has no firm root in himself, but is only temporary, and when affliction or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he ^(Q)falls away.
 ²²"And the one on whom seed was sown among the thorns, this is the man who hears the word, and the worry of ^(R)the world and the ^(S)deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.
 ²³"And the one on whom seed was sown on the good soil, this is the man who hears the word and understands it; who indeed bears fruit and brings forth, some ^(T)a hundredfold, some sixty, and some thirty."

We scatter seeds to the world with our words and our actions. Make no mistake, the world is paying attention to us. Some are waiting to see us stumble and say, "Look at the foolish Christian, he can't even follow his own rules!" But others are watching to see if they want to join us. When we scatter seeds, some land in fertile soil and take root. These will grow into good strong Christians that will be as  in verse 23 above. But we don't know who that is, so we scatter our seeds of good will and the love of Jesus, hoping and praying that they will grow.

I have one seed that has recently taken it upon itself to begin to grow. I pray that it will find good purchase and sunlight to grow into a healthy Christian. Questions are being asked, help is being given, these are the water and fertilizer needed.

Other seeds I have scattered have fallen on far more rocky ground and is not growing at all or the seeds have withered and dried up. I grieve for these and I pray that when I come back to these I will have the right words to help them see the truth. Still others, while they may not produce sudden converts to the faith, have proven to bear some fruit of potential friendship in areas that were less than hospitable before. Where I can find friendship, with God's help, we can create faith. Especially in areas that had once held faith before. Maybe someone that you find out was active in their church growing up, or in college. Sometimes you find someone who outright asks you about this crazy Christian thing.

So we continue to sow the seeds of Jesus. We scatter them as we go about our lives, nurture the ones that respond, build our own faith through the word to protect ourselves from the detractors, and pray for the ones that don't respond or fall away. After all, when the seed fell on me, at first I wasn't the best soil for it, but over time He changed me into something He could work with. God tends to work with the most unlikely of tools. Or in my case, a tool shed. But talking about the people He uses is for another day.

Who am I?

Probably a more accurate question is, "Who am I becoming?"

It's widely known in the psychology of addiction that once a person becomes an addict, they stop growing emotionally. The good news is that once the addiction is broken there is a quick upcurve of growth to bring the person to a more normal state for their age. The bad news is that it leaves the addict floundering about wondering this and that. Jumping from one emotion to another like a surly teenager. The worst of this lasts for the first month and then begins to ebb over time.

In my mind, this is why so many programs are 30, 60, and 90 days. It give you the support you need for that first period when you're an emotional basket case. When you're broken, crying, angry. This is a time that it's the easiest to go right back to our addictions. This is also an excellent time to pick up a bible. It gives you the stability and shows you the love that you haven't felt properly for however long you've been using.

When I first dried up I was at a Men's Christian Retreat. I spent the first dry days in many years praising Jesus and accepting the Holy Spirit into my heart. I believe this is what gave me the strength to continue on my path to sobriety. Had I been in a different situation when I dried up, jail for example, it is very doubtful I would have actually continued down the path. More likely I would have walked out of there and headed for the nearest bar to "destress".

So, when did I become an addict? This is a difficult question for me to answer. I know some who can point to a specific point and say "There, that's when I went from a social user of _____ and became and addict." Personally, I think it was much more insipid. More like being stalked by a serpent than pounced on by a lion. Slowly but surely, over a period of years, Satan worked on me. He knew that he could get me because he started when I was young. I figure I was around 14 when he started on me. Smoking cigarettes, a little pot, a beer here and there. Always just a little bit so I would think it was "no big deal".

I can't say I had a really strong Christian upbringing. We attended church semi regular. I went to the youth group on Wednesdays. I enjoyed the time but I was more along for the ride than to learn about Jesus and build my faith. This made me a fairly easy target. There wasn't much in my heart and I certainly didn't know myself so it was easy for Satan to move right on in. Later, I had other influences that continued to push me down the wrong path. My time in Kansas City when I was living with a biker named Jeff. Not someone you would call a bad guy, but he did like cocaine and whiskey. I was 18 and more than ready to join him just to be accepted.

This is the kind of path I was lead down, and I walked it happily and blithely unaware of the results.

It would be relatively reasonable to say I was something of an addict at this time, but I don't think it really set in until my early to mid 20's when I found speed, mixed with alcohol, mixed with whatever else. So, then in May, when I turned 40 years old, I was mentally and emotionally around 23. Still pretty dumb, lazy, and self-centered. So who am I becoming? Well, I'm still a procrastinator, I still don't see the dusting that needs to be done in the house. But I've learned to take care of my bills much better, I've learned that, even when I was an active high functioning alcoholic I could step up and take care of things with a lot of help. So I can both take care of things with less help now, and I'm more mature to know when to ask for help and how to accept it when offerred without getting defensive or prideful. I've found my political identity and what I stand for as an American.

Most importantly, I've found my identity in Christ. I now know that He will be with me until the end of time itself and beyond. I have given myself to Him and He has rewarded me and will continue to reward my devotion and faith. For what seems the first time in many years, I'm excited about the future. Not just some abstract concept of the future, but a future of hope, love and grace from now unto eternity!

It hasn't always been easy, and there is nothing in the bible that says it will be. In fact, there are times that we are told that we will be persecuted because of Jesus and what He stands for.

Matthew 5:10
"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
John 15:20
"Remember the word that I said to you, ' A slave is not greater than his master ' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also.
So ask Jesus, in His name, with faith the size a mustard seed, to set you free of your addictions. Trust that He will do it in the way that is best for you. It is written:
John 14:14
"If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it.
Remember the power of His name. Call on it when it is difficult, praise it when it is hard, love it because He is.

God's Blessings

God's Judgement according to Jesus

What is judgement? What do you think of? Man's judgement is common. We think of courtrooms and black robes (at least in the U.S. which is were I know it from). We think of arguments, Perry Mason, Matlock, and untold number of other characters on TV. Police, detectives, etc, etc... We judge each other on a daily, perhaps hourly basis. We keep up with the Jonse's, we cut down those who have more than us. We talk about those with less.

Is is so very strange that we have a difficult time accepting the forgiveness of the Lord? We have such a strong tendency to think of Jesus as simple as we are. But He is so much more than we can ever be. He is part of the Holy Trinity, the Uncreated One. To think of His judgement as anything like ours is not only foolish, it's demeaning to Him.

But we have only our own way of doing things to compare His way to. If we have such a difficult time forgiving the minor transgressions of our neighbors, how can He possibly forgive us the terrible things we have done? If you're in recovery, you are probably facing some pretty horrible things that you've done. Maybe you lied to people you loved, or stole from them. Maybe you've been abusive in any one of a number of ways. These are things that our society not only frowns on, some will see you ostracized or imprisoned. Some things are considered so bad that we say you should be tracked and mark yourself out as someone to be avoided. I pray that you haven't done anything THAT bad. But the truth is, some people do those kinds of things.

Some of the things we've done have been directly against all the Christian faith holds dear. We've blasphemed against Him, hated Him, told Him to look away while we do things. I still feel shame over things I did while in the depth of my addictions. When we hold our sins up against the Jesus we think we know, the one that we like say thinks like us, we're in big trouble. How could He possibly forgive ME? After all I've done and said? After the way I abused myself? Stole to support my habit at times? Being verbally abusive towards the very people who love me most? Lied about myself, to myself.

I could go on this vein, easily, but I'd wager that somewhere along the way I struck a chord with some of you out there. So, what does the bible say about His forgiveness? How deep is His love for us?

Romans 8:39
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16 speaks volumes to us. He GAVE his one and only Son, that whoever BELIEVES in him shall not perish but have ETERNAL LIFE.

Romans 8:39 states very clearly that NOTHING will be able to separate us from the love of God.

So, what is God's judgement for us? When our bodies finally give way, and we are standing in the courtroom of the Lord, what will he say about those terrible things we did? Those things that haunt us, make us start awake with their mere memory in the dark of night. Those things we keep close to our hearts lest anyone find out about them. Well, there it is, isn't it. If we are holding these things so closely, we haven't given them up to Him. But, if we give it up to Him, repent, ask for his forgiveness, He will give it and cast our sins as far as the east is from the west. We will be purified and clean in the eyes of God.

He wants it all to be forgiven, the big, the little, it's all the same to Him. There is nothing so bad that He won't forgive you for it. So when you stand in the court of the Father, and you are laid bare before Him, there will be nothing to keep you from entering the gates of heaven. When Jesus comes to judge the quick (living) and the dead as stated in Revelations, He will look at you with love and judge you clean because you accepted, loved, and followed Him.

This, to me is the ultimate purpose of step 4. When you do a personal inventory, if you are honest about it, you expose your faults, flaws, and sins. If you do a thorough job of it, you expose your assets, too. Once exposed to the light of day, you can then hand them to Jesus. Then He will cast them away and it will be as though they never happened.

Step 4, a Personal Inventory and The Screwtape Letters

Wait, what? Decide what you're talking about here Cameron. I actually think they can work together. Anyone who has worked the 12 steps for whatever reason, be it alcohol, drugs, depression, co-dependence, sex, has gotten to where I am and been given to pause. That's where I am tonight. Needing to begin my checklist of flaws and assets. This will lead me to the necessity of finding a proper sponser.

But what about The Screwtape Letters? If you've never read them, they are a series of letters from a senior demon giving advice to a lesser one on how to handle his "patient" or human. Throughout the book, we hear about how, in this day and age (these were written during WW II I believe, but the format still works well today), their current instructions are to remain hidden and the best place in our minds is for us to not even believe they exist at all. Instead trying to guide us through our own physical desires and failings away from what they call "the Enemy". They use our weaknesses against us, making small things that may bug us seem large that increase our anger at each other. Blind us to our own bad habits that may annoy others in our lives. Make us feel that we are right and they are wrong.

Have you ever felt that way? That feeling that in spite of the logic of their argument, you KNOW you're right, they MUST be wrong and you'll stop at nothing to prove it! I've been guilty of that, more than a few times. Another thing they do is make us question our faith. Careful here, there is such a thing as good doubt. That's the kind of doubt that is open to receiving the answer, not the hard headed doubt of the devout agnostic that is questioning just to catch you and drag you down to their level.

I'm just now approaching Step 4, and I can feel the devils in me trying to get me not to. They don't want me to perform this self-examination. They don't want me to reveal myself to myself. The more ignorant of myself I remain the better and more likely I am to be influenced by their whisperings. They are very likely to have me list flaw after flaw with hardly an asset in the mix. This is so easy to do and to fall prey to. "We are our own worst critic."

While I'm doing this, I'm going to refer continuously to the Word. Let His Love for me be shown in my inventory. Remember that He thinks I am special and unique in all of creation. I will approach this as an oppurtunity to know myself better and thus know Him better. I'm expecting this to take a while, I don't think I should rush it too much because it gets hard or embarassing.

If you think this is any good, use the toolbar below to post it to your social sites. If there is someone you know that is struggling with something and may see encouragement from my ramblings, by all means, post this.

Where'd my old friends go?

Over the years, I've had a number of bad habits, hurts, and hang-ups. I started smoking when I was 14. Drinking because it was cool, marijuana because other friends were doing it. Cocaine because it was the next in line. Back to drinking because I was in the military. Back to marijuana after the military, which gave me an introduction into meth. Stopped that because the price of jail time was looming in front of me...The list continues, bear in mind that last one was 13 years ago. There's more, lots of alcohol, playing with pills, anger, some mild depression. I've done a lot to myself over the years.

Through most of this there has usually been a friend or 2 either dragging me with them, or me dragging them along. Let me be clear about one thing, I let them drag me, and they let me drag them. I can honestly say that there are a few who have, if not necessarily stuck with me, at least returned to me as our paths crossed again. Some through different social sites, are old high school friends. Others, because I've just been in the same geographical area for almost 20 years and they didn't leave either so when we needed support of a particular kind, there we were.

The ones that are still around have walked through there own fires and come out on the other side. One I particularly admire because, when we were kids, he was Christian then and never stopped. Even when we were smoking and drinking he still seemed to maintain his faith. Today it seems stronger then ever. I'm sure he's had his trials over the years. Another from high school has found a measure of success in his career, I believe he's on his second marriage, and it seems strong at this time. But, as he said, he's never found his "spagetti monster". Which is a line from some movie or another that states he's never found religion. We were friends on a social site for a time, but somewhere religion came up (I believe it was me) and my belief that Jesus is the ONLY way and that certain other ways are false.

Inevitably a conflict rose in this, him calling me intolerant and what about the whole Christian love thing and all the violent persecution done in the name of Christ. Ultimately, he "unfriended me". There is little I can do about that besides pray for him.

Then there was yesterday after Thanksgiving dinner when we were getting ready to leave my parents house and my brother in law tries to tell me to take a half bottle of wine with me because he won't get back to it before it turns to vinegar. I gently reminded him that I quit drinking when my sister starts talking about how I should put it in the trunk because of the whole open container thing. So I told her I don't want any sort of container in my car, openned or not. She took it well with an "Ufda" and a smack to her own forehead. Other reactions were more along the lines of discomfort to my friend who we had invited that was smiling about it.

These things will happen, the surprising fact is that these loving family members who have always been kind and supportive had no idea that they were throwing a temptation my way. They hadn't even noticed that I didn't get a beer or a glass of wine. This is the first Thanksgiving in many years that I didn't have at least a couple of drinks (I've always had to drive home).

When you make major changes in your life, you always have to remember that others around you haven't made the same ones. In fact, most people around you are so wrapped up in just getting by they make surprisingly few changes of any kind, let alone the major changes of sobriety and becoming a follower of Christ.

Because of this, they tend to become ready made tools of ones who would see your downfall. They will, unknowing, chip away at your core beliefs that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light. None may come to the Father except through Him. They will say that's fine for you but they just aren't like that. The more they believe that the truer it will become for them. But they won't be satisfied with that. My friend that "unfriended" me argues that we are closed minded and how do we know that there aren't other ways, why can't someone get to heaven just for being a "good person". Why can't other faiths be right as well? It only takes one line of the bible to tell you that the other faiths are either wrong, or we are. "None may come to the Father except through ME." When they here you say this, several things happen, especially if they're being guided by the adversary. They will call you intolerant. Say you are spreading hate. You are the problem.

This is when it is time to turn to Him, because it hurts when they say these things. Sometimes, you can see them shaking their heads as if you are the dense one, and its doubtful they've even openned a bible to see what is said. Another thing they will do is what I call "Pulling from the Atheist's playbook." This is any one of a number of verses from the bible that supposedly supports what they are saying. Maybe they bring up Leviticus and where it says to stone people. Maybe they bring up when God has told the Israelites to purge the land because He has given it to them. They will say this is proof of the violence and hatred.

What you do now is vitally important. Not for them, they are closed off. Their minds are made up and shut off about Christianity. Now you tell them about when Christ came, he changed all the rules. That he made a new commandment, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind soul and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself." Do this and you will follow the Lord your God as He wants us to.

Remember that you aren't doing this for them, you are doing this to strengthin your resolve and faith in the Lord. You are also following His instructions.
Luke 9:26
Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.
Mark 8:38
If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”
Some of these people will understand and will hear the truth. As Christians, we have been commanded to go forth.
Matthew 28:19
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
Others will disappear, fall away like chaf in the reaping. This is something I have to accept about some people. They simply don't understand where I am coming from anymore. What I view as the truth the way and the light, they just don't see or believe.

I've sent another friend request to my friend from high school. Several days ago, as a matter of fact. But at this time he has put me on the side of the religious intolerant. I'll continue to pray that he sees the truth for himself from some source before it's too late. Until then, I'll pray, I'll read the word, I'll write about what is right. There will be others who I drank with and partied with that will fall away, and I'll pray for them. But I'll never back down from the truth.

Pray that the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit put the right words in my mind to turn stone hearts soft so they may recieve the Holy Spirit and know the love of the Lord. Pray the same for yourselves that you may be good witnesses to the unbelievers in your lives.

What else? Thanksgiving of course

Here we are on the eve of Thanksgiving, or you may be reading this on Thanksgiving Day, and I'd like to express my abundant thanks to all who are in my life and allowing me to make an impact in their lives. We as Christians are in a unique community of love. We are on the outside, "In the world, but not a part of it." Funny, I've heard that phrase for years, quoted it myself, but when I search for it in the bible, I can never find it. Anyone who wants to let me know where it says that, you would do me a service.

I just finished watching a documentary on TV that was about people who have been laid off from their jobs and took it as an opportunity. Made significant changes to become something else other than what they had been pursuing for who knows how many years. In each of their stories, one thing stood out, they were all grateful for the chance that being unemployed gave them. Some went into business, others did volunteer work, one person even started a website that helps guide people who are looking for work. Some got mad initially, sure. But they didn't rest on their situation. They acted, moved forward.

I believe that my sobriety was, in a way, similar to what they did. It wasn't forced on me, no. But it was something that I had to decide for myself. I was shown a new path, and I've been walking it ever since, except when I had to be carried (catch the footprints reference?). But each day is a choice to continue walking, just as each day is a choice to continue following Jesus.

One of the differences between a secular person and a Christian (I won't speak for other religions, as I haven't studied them and made my choice) is that, if something happens, someone pulls the proverbial rug out from under you, quite often the secular person is lost. A part of their identity has been removed. Divorce, loss of job, children growing up, death of a loved one. All people, including many Christians tend to rely on these things for their identity. I'm a father, husband, warehouse worker, lawyer, republican, democrat, alcoholic, drug addict, depressive... We've turned these things into what we are, and they are all temporary.

What happens when you get married? Two become one in the eyes of God. We pour ourselves into it, we identify ourselves as married and we latch onto it. These are all good things. They are the right things to do in any line of thinking. But, after so many years of this identity, what happens with a divorce? The bottom falls out of our own identity.

I know, what does this have to do with being thankful? You're getting me down here. The answer is Jesus Christ. He is the one thing out there that will not fail you. He will not leave you, divorce you, fire you, He won't grow up and move out leaving an empty nest. If anything happens in your relationship with Him, it will be you turning from Him. Then He will wait patiently for you to open up to Him again. If you stumble and fall, He will help you back up. If I relapse and take a drink, He will be waiting for me to ask for Him. He will always be there.

I truly don't have the ability to express just how grateful I am for Him. To have Jesus in my life provides me the strength to continue. To know that His forgiveness is eternal no matter the worst I have done or will do (and I've done some doosies) is amazing.

I'm grateful for so many other things as well. My wife and family, the roof over our heads, food on our table, the job that provides the money for these things. The support of my parents and their willingness to step up and help. Good friends that have been with me through some very difficult times. Two sisters that have never (to the best of my knowledge, never) denied me as their brother. A church family and small group that supports me and encourages me in my Christian growth. The freedoms provided for in the Constitution. I could go on and on. These things are important, and provided for me by the love and grace of a perfect God who knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

(I'm thankful for spellcheck, too)

Politics and Jesus Christ

Am I really going to tackle this? Gonna give it a shot!

I remember a couple of years ago, when the 2008 Presidential election was going, the pastor of our church had a unifying sermon on was Jesus a liberal or a conservative. At the time, I was still drinking daily and in pretty fair quantities. Truth be told, I was getting pretty primed up in my drinking on a daily basis. But I was totally sober for church on Sunday morning, so I was okay, right? So I'm sure that I was extremely attentive and absorbed the sermon very well and remember the whole lesson.

Not so much. I was physically sober on Sunday mornings, usually thinking about the beer I was going to have with lunch when we got home. I did mostly pay attention to the sermons, but I can't say I absorbed as much as I should have.

Back to the subject at hand, what was our conclusion from the sermon? Is Jesus a liberal or a conservative? The answer I remember was you can't fit Jesus into a box of politics. His message of love and peace with his attitude of equality towards gentiles and Jews, His directions of charity and giving, caring for the sick, reaching out to the people on the fringes of society. These are all very clear messages that today would be considered in the domain of the politically liberal group. (I can argue that, and I'd be happy to, but that isn't what I'm doing today.) Then you consider that in just the 4 Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, Money is referenced no less than 32 times. I checked using a keyword search in Bible Gateway. Business is mentioned several times, taxes is used several times, and not in negative light. This is clearly a conservative point of view by popular modern standards.

The point is that there are many things that support a view that Jesus simply doesn't fit in a box that we want to put Him into. Our desire, our need to be right and to prove (there's that proving thing again) that we're right and they are wrong makes us want to put Jesus in a box and take only what supports our point of view from His teachings.

Jesus is bigger than that, and if we understand that, and operate from that standpoint, then we can reach across the aile as it were and be one people, under God. Note that I don't say one nation. This is bigger than our one nation of the United States of America. This is the entire Christian world. The U.S.A. is far from the most Christian country in the world, or the most tolerant of Christians. But that just shows how important it is for us to reach out to the other side in love and respect.

We must remember that we but stewards of this world, left in charge of it with God taking joy in all we do with it. All we build, create, innovate. These are things God loves and takes pleasure in. Not the wanton destruction of it, not wasting the resources He has so graciously given us. Note these are both concepts of liberal (green) and conservative (business, manufacturing).

All this being said, where do I stand? If you know me, it's quite clear that I'm...wait a minute, I'm the husband of a severely disabled wife, with a 7 year old boy and I depend on certain services from the state and federal government just to get by from day to day. Things I need to be able to go to work, Adult Day Health services, Home Health care services. On the other hand, I don't believe in handouts, there are several services that I don't take advantage of because of my pride, but also because I believe I should take care of my own, support my family. I don't use assistance for before and after school care for my son, nor do I use the free or reduced lunch at school for him. I believe in giving to those with less than I have, the food bank, the local mission or soup kitchen. I believe that if you need the help, there is someone out there ready and happy to help.

So, how do you choose where you stand politically as a Christian? You pray, you refer to your bible. You realize that to be more Christ-like, you can't be just a Democrat or Republican, liberal or conservative, small or big business. We are a blend of all these things, and it takes all these things for the Christian world to move forward. In my church alone, I know people who work with undocumented aliens, helping their children get health care, and business owners who have clear goals of growth and management strategies.

I've tried to pick in the past, most recently finding myself in the Tea Party attitude (again, if you want to debate this, I'm game, but not here). But I also realize that to tie myself to one group, one set of attitudes will ultimately pull me away from the most important group and set of attitudes that I am a part of.

Us Guys, We Do Think We Have To Prove Ourselves

Funny thing about us, we've been programmed since birth to prove ourselves to get our self-worth. We need that respect that comes from being acknowledged by our peers, our families, our church family.

I've bounced around a few ideas for tonight, but it came to me while I was sitting in service Sunday morning. Our pastor was talking on the Apostle's Creed, which we've been working our way through for several weeks now. We've been disecting it, line by line. Examining it's meaning, and why it was written. Sunday was about the Resurrection. He brought out someone to play the part of Thomas. Doubting Thomas, the one, when faced with the Risen King, had to put his hand in the spear wound in Christ's side, had to see the nail wounds in His hands. He, above all who witnessed, needed proof. What many don't know, is that after he got that proof he went further than all the others to spread the Good News. He went all the way to India!

This got me to thinking about my own need for proof in myself. Not proof of the Lord, He has given me the Holy Spirit. No other proof is needed. I guess I'm going off on a tangent here. What I'm really thinking about, is my need to prove myself to others. To feel validated in the eyes of others. It's just so rediculous. I have worked so very hard to impress my boss about how good I am at work, my wife how good a husband, my son how good a father (he probably doesn't see that now...), my parents how good an everything. I've even found myself striving to prove to my church family how good a Chirstian I am.

Seriously? Aside from Christ Himself, who can live up to all that? The stress and strain I've put myself under are WAY too much. I have the love of a God who numbered every hair on my head before I was born!

Luke 12:7 "Indeed the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid, for you are worth more than many sparrows."

God loves me so much, he sent his only begotten Son to earth, down into time, to live among us, to teach us, to die for us. To be risen on the 3rd day to break the barrier of death and pave the way for my eternal life! He now sits at the right hand of God and rules heaven. He sent the Holy Spirit to dwell with me and guide me in this world so that I may be a light unto the world for Him! I'm worried about proving myself to who? His love for me proves me. Just as it proves all Christians that follow Him. I don't have to prove how good a worker I am. As long as I'm following Him, I cannot fail. With His love, I am a good husband, son, father, worker, Christian! With His love, I can conquor my cravings, habits, and hang-ups.

When you follow Jesus Christ, everything is exactly as it should be. Not always easy, but always as it should be. I couldn't follow Christ with a drink in my hand, or with a bottle of pills, or with a joint, or with speed. I can follow Him with a clear head and a heart that has been purified by His everlasting love. My work life will go according to His plan, if that means I lose my job tomorrow, so be it. It will be hard, but we'll make it through to the next step he has for me together. To the best of my knowledge, I'm not losing my job tomorrow, but I have to have faith that He will see me through it. My homelife will go according to His plan. My extended family life will go according to His plan.

I have no need to prove myself to others. Jesus has seen my greatest flaws, my darkest secrets, my greatest shame and He still loves me and wants me. How can the validation of anyone else come close to comparing to that!

What happens when you listen to Jesus?

Wow! This is a question that we just don't ask often enough. We don't ask it enough because we rarely listen enough. If you told me that when I listened to Jesus everything would work out according to His plan I'd say, "Duh!" Being a follower it's an obvious thing to me that by listening to Him, I do His will. By ignoring Him, I do my will, which is selfish, flawed, and gives selfish, flawed results.

Part of the problem is that He asks us to do things that are difficult. We are asked to put other's needs first, sacrifice our pride, perhaps even demean ourselves to our perceived enemies, or at least people we don't particularly like. It isn't easy, it isn't how we have been taught by our society as a whole. Sure, we do it when we give to charity, the food bank, the collection plate at church. We sacrifice ourselves for our jobs, saying that it's for a better life for our families when we are actually sacrificing our families for our jobs. But that's not what this is about. This is about doing what Jesus tells us to do, even when we REALLY don't want to.

It could be any one of a number of things, giving a food ticket from a shelter to a homeless person. Most of us want to ignore the homeless in our communities. Now is definitely not the time to ignore them, temperatures are dropping, rain is falling, and soon it will be snow. But again, this is not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about forgiveness here. Not granting it, asking for it. That's hard! You put yourself out there, you admit to someone that you were wr..wroooo....wrooonnnnggg! I don't know what it is you did. Maybe you lied to someone, maybe you stole something, maybe you pushed someone's buttons and made them yell at you so you would feel self-rightious and better then them. That's what I did, if you read yesterday's post you have that whole story. Not saying I haven't done all of those other things, too, and much worse. But we're dealing with the one at hand. If you haven't read yesterday's post I suggest you stop here and take a look at it, this will make more sense then.

It was REALLY HARD! It was in the back of my mind all the way to work. Then I saw him at work and he just didn't look happy. So I got to work, pulling orders and building hoses. Acting like nothing was wrong, like nothing was weighing on my heart. For over 2 hours I went on like this, until finally, the moment, and the courage, and the Holy Spirit said "Speak".

An amazing thing happened, I apologized to him, told him I was out of line and I could have chosen a much better way to handle the situation. He apologized back to me! He said that when he blew up it wasn't about that and some other things are happening. He even smiled. I felt this amazing weight lifted off my heart.

I'm not saying that we'll be friends or anything like that. But we found a middle ground of peace, and I owe it all to God. I listened to Him in His perfect timing and grace. I did what He told me to do, when He told me to do it, and things worked out perfectly.

So, what happens when you listen to Jesus? He tells you to do hard things. Things you wouldn't normally do on your own. He puts you into confrontational situations that you would far rather ignore or avoid. And if you continue to listen to Him, He rewards you with a peace, joy, and love that you have no chance of achieving on your own. He will bring you to new heights of accomplishment that have little or nothing to do with "normal" success. He will give you true happiness.

On this note, I'm going to go to bed, and sleep a peaceful sleep.

Is it okay for a Christian to get angry?

The short answer is no. Anger against one another is a sin. But it isn't that simple, is it? In the Old Testement there are numerous examples of anger and rage. In the New Testement we have the example of Jesus Himself being annoyed with the thick headedness (is that a word?) of the diciples.

Matthew 17:17 "You unblieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me." Matthew 16:23 "Jesus turned to Peter and said, 'Get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns!"

In these two examples, we see Jesus reacting in exasperation in one, and anger in another. So clearly, there is a time for anger when dealing with the adversary. But what about each other? How are we supposed to show each other displeasure without anger?

There's a reason I'm asking, yesterday at work I had an argument with a coworker. There is no love lost between us, we are oil and water. I have attempted numerous times to open the lines of communication but he simply has no interest in any sort of friendship with me. To be perfectly honest, I'm not interested in friendship with him either. Aside from the 15 year difference in our ages, I'm a practicing Christian in recovery from alcohol (among other things), he's a 25 year old practicing drinker that lives very much like I did at age 25. We don't argue every day, more like every 6 months or so the tension builds up between us and something triggers it and BOOM! I never said I was the perfect Christian. Yesterday, it was foul language. Maybe you've noticed that most 20 somethings don't seem to think at all about blurting out profanity in a nonstop stream. It was happening and I've noticed it happens a lot with him. I said something to someone else nearby where he could hear very clearly, "f-ity f f f.." But I wasn't abbreviating or censoring the f word at all. That produced an immediate and expected reaction out of my coworker.

Was I right in doing what I did? No. Could I have handled it better? Absolutely. Is there anything I could have said to this particular person and not gotten a negative reaction out of him? No. But I certainly could have used a different tactic than what I did. I could have spoken to our immediate supervisor about how what he says in our warehouse is clearly heard by customers at our front counter. Our supervisor would have taken him aside, used his better attitude and better approach to talk to him about it and he would have had no idea that I was the one with a problem with his language. Now if I do that he will know precisely where it came from and will probably sulk and complain about me. Should this really concern me? No.

Ultimately, I realize that I set him up to blow up at me. I spurred him into anger through my own actions and that was wrong. In another time of my life, I would have complained about it to my wife and other coworkers. I would have talked about how immature he was and I would really have told this story to make myself out to be the victim of his anger. I can think of one person I actually did that with, too.

Those of you reading this post have walked with me through a revelation. When I began tonight, I hadn't even thought about how much of this was my own fault. I didn't realize just how manipulative I was. I deliberately got under his skin and pushed his animosity to the surface for my own purposes. I truly feel used by Satan himself. I feel like he figured out a way for me to sin in such a way that I could so easily blame someone else. It's the same for the temptation of that next drink, drug, infidelity, promiscuity. He knows our weaknesses better then we do ourselves and he uses them against us.

So, the short answer still fits. No, it is not okay for a Christian to get angry. I was angry at the foul language being used, and that opened me up to be used for the wrong purposes. In another time I would have complained while drinking a beer or a whiskey. I would have fumed at how this guy was just irrational and why couldn't he see what a nice guy I really am? Why can't we just get along while at work?

I see so clearly just what I did that caused this. This is the power of journaling. This is the reason I started this blog. Now I must ask for forgiveness from Jesus, and from my coworker. I'm not entirely certain how he will receive my request for forgiveness from him. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to approach him. I've done such a good job pushing his buttons that he won't even look at me at work. This is certainly something I will pray on and I hope that anyone reading this will stop and say a quick prayer for me.

Take joy in the revelation that I've discovered this tactic that's been used against me by Satan. Pray that I remain on guard against the next attack and I keep Jesus on the forefront of my battle line. Pray that I remember the commandment "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and Love your neighbor as yourself"

Thoughts on gratitude

Due to the proximity of Thanksgiving Day, much of the world of Recovery is concentrated on gratitude. Why is this? Because if you don't appreciate sobriety, you won't value it. I challenge people to think about what they are grateful for, narrow it down, refine it, define it. It's easy to go around a room and have everyone say something that they are grateful for.

I like being sober. But I used to like being drunk at times, too. I appreciate being sober. I used to appreciate a good microbrew or 10, too. But, to be truly grateful to our Lord and Savior for all he has done for us, to show the world, as the apostle Paul tried to teach, that takes another level entirely. We were told to let the world know us by our love for one another. We can't do that while drunk, high, anorexic, binging, cutting or any one the other 1000 different ways we've learned to abuse ourselves.

When I made the switch from being a believer to being a follower, I was stone cold sober for the first time in many years. I was in a situation where I didn't have any drink, and I couldn't get any drink. Jesus spoke to my heart, and I let the Holy Spirit in. It would be nice to say that He healed me right then and there and that I haven't desired a drink since. But that wasn't how He wanted to do it with me, and I am truly grateful for that. He made me walk through the withdrawals, the headaches, the anger, the shakes, the desires. He walked with me, He held me up and told me to take the next step. He told me through other people, like my pastor who helped guide me to my meetings, and He told me in my heart and soul.

Between then and now (and I only just past the 6 month mark), He changed me into a very different person. Oh, there are still many rough corners that need to be knocked off. I still have a lazy, selfish streak in me that causes me problems. But I pray that He will help me with those (I hope without a lot of self inflicted pain) and many other things that are stopping me from being the man I was meant to be.

I still have times that I feel bitter, childish, and self-centered. Yesterday was a big one for me. I have been called by the Lord of Lords to go help others with their problems, but I still fight my own selfishness. My prayer on that is that in helping others, I will help myself and find my own center.

In spite of all of that childish, self-centered whining, He still loves me. He still views me as a special, unique person and values me. I can't show enough gratitude to Jesus for that. He is the bridge between my selfish, sinful pride and the man I was meant to be. For me to pick up a drink now, after all He has done for me, is to put the nails back into His hands and put Him back up on that cross. I'm not saying that I don't think about drinking anymore. I'm not saying I'm not tempted anymore. But I am saying that I have a reason far larger than myself to fend off the temptation. I have the love of God Himself who sent down a part of Himself to die upon the cross, to be raised again, to walk the earth once more and be taken up to Heaven and seated at His right hand.

I have a friend

I have a friend, not a big deal, most of do. This friend, who will remain nameless because I haven't asked for permission to use their name, has just begun their journey into sobriety. Honestly, so have I. I know people who have YEARS behind them, I have a few months. Anyway, back to my friend. This friend is in the beginning, and seems to be trying to do all by themselves. I know this attitude very well.

There are those of us who take on the world. Not to fight it, to wear it, carry it around with us. We put on a good front with humor, or we attack with anger to keep people away. But ultimately, the result is the same, we try to handle all our problems on our own. I've learned something, I can't. That is exactly what led me down the path of a six pack a night with a chaser of whiskey on the rocks after dinner, then another, and another.

Christians are called to lean on one another in times of need. Yes, there's a song there, but my friends will tell you, I was not blessed with the gift of music.

2 Corinthians 13:11 Finally Brothers and Sisters rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.

This is just one of many passages that tell us to love one another, encourage each other, serve each other humbly, lift each other up. The act of loving, encouraging, and serving each other brings us closer to Jesus. But when we cut ourselves off from each other, don't reach out to others in our own need, don't seek help from each other, we aren't serving God. This is not a path that shows strength, or independence, althought that's what the secular world says. "Go out there and stand on your own two feet!" "You can do it!" These are things we are told to do by the adversary. He wants us to try and fail.

Problems like alcohol, drugs, pornography, overeating are all creations of our own desire for control. Recovery requires help from others. Christian recovery gets you some of the biggest help there is, if you but ask for it.

Matthew 7:8 "For everyone who asks, receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

I admit my own guilt in this, I have not always asked, or sought, or knocked. Sometimes when others came to me, I haven't always been there for them. I'd like to change that. I'd like to be there for others the way that Jesus is there for me. I want to always go to Him first.

Why we're here

I guess I should start with who I am and what I am doing here. My name is Cameron, I'm a follower of Jesus Christ and a functioning alcoholic. I'm in recovery and haven't had a drink since May 12, 2010. My walk with Jesus had a huge turning point on May 13, when I was in Malibu, Canada on a Men's Retreat and I realized that I hadn't had a drink in 24 hours. I went downhill from there as the initial withdrawal symptoms kicked in.

Once I was down, the Holy Spirit was able to get in and start to work on me. I went from believing to following on that trip.

Since then, I've been attending a Celebrate Recovery group weekly and read my Bible almost daily. I have to say almost because I was never a good student, so I have a tendency to miss a day or 2 here and there.

I decided to start this because I need to begin journaling on a routine basis as part of my recovery, and while I actually don't like hand writing, I'm at the computer most every night anyway. It just seemed to make sense, if this gets to one person that needs to see it, then I guess it was a great idea.