Who am I?

Probably a more accurate question is, "Who am I becoming?"

It's widely known in the psychology of addiction that once a person becomes an addict, they stop growing emotionally. The good news is that once the addiction is broken there is a quick upcurve of growth to bring the person to a more normal state for their age. The bad news is that it leaves the addict floundering about wondering this and that. Jumping from one emotion to another like a surly teenager. The worst of this lasts for the first month and then begins to ebb over time.

In my mind, this is why so many programs are 30, 60, and 90 days. It give you the support you need for that first period when you're an emotional basket case. When you're broken, crying, angry. This is a time that it's the easiest to go right back to our addictions. This is also an excellent time to pick up a bible. It gives you the stability and shows you the love that you haven't felt properly for however long you've been using.

When I first dried up I was at a Men's Christian Retreat. I spent the first dry days in many years praising Jesus and accepting the Holy Spirit into my heart. I believe this is what gave me the strength to continue on my path to sobriety. Had I been in a different situation when I dried up, jail for example, it is very doubtful I would have actually continued down the path. More likely I would have walked out of there and headed for the nearest bar to "destress".

So, when did I become an addict? This is a difficult question for me to answer. I know some who can point to a specific point and say "There, that's when I went from a social user of _____ and became and addict." Personally, I think it was much more insipid. More like being stalked by a serpent than pounced on by a lion. Slowly but surely, over a period of years, Satan worked on me. He knew that he could get me because he started when I was young. I figure I was around 14 when he started on me. Smoking cigarettes, a little pot, a beer here and there. Always just a little bit so I would think it was "no big deal".

I can't say I had a really strong Christian upbringing. We attended church semi regular. I went to the youth group on Wednesdays. I enjoyed the time but I was more along for the ride than to learn about Jesus and build my faith. This made me a fairly easy target. There wasn't much in my heart and I certainly didn't know myself so it was easy for Satan to move right on in. Later, I had other influences that continued to push me down the wrong path. My time in Kansas City when I was living with a biker named Jeff. Not someone you would call a bad guy, but he did like cocaine and whiskey. I was 18 and more than ready to join him just to be accepted.

This is the kind of path I was lead down, and I walked it happily and blithely unaware of the results.

It would be relatively reasonable to say I was something of an addict at this time, but I don't think it really set in until my early to mid 20's when I found speed, mixed with alcohol, mixed with whatever else. So, then in May, when I turned 40 years old, I was mentally and emotionally around 23. Still pretty dumb, lazy, and self-centered. So who am I becoming? Well, I'm still a procrastinator, I still don't see the dusting that needs to be done in the house. But I've learned to take care of my bills much better, I've learned that, even when I was an active high functioning alcoholic I could step up and take care of things with a lot of help. So I can both take care of things with less help now, and I'm more mature to know when to ask for help and how to accept it when offerred without getting defensive or prideful. I've found my political identity and what I stand for as an American.

Most importantly, I've found my identity in Christ. I now know that He will be with me until the end of time itself and beyond. I have given myself to Him and He has rewarded me and will continue to reward my devotion and faith. For what seems the first time in many years, I'm excited about the future. Not just some abstract concept of the future, but a future of hope, love and grace from now unto eternity!

It hasn't always been easy, and there is nothing in the bible that says it will be. In fact, there are times that we are told that we will be persecuted because of Jesus and what He stands for.

Matthew 5:10
"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
John 15:20
"Remember the word that I said to you, ' A slave is not greater than his master ' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also.
So ask Jesus, in His name, with faith the size a mustard seed, to set you free of your addictions. Trust that He will do it in the way that is best for you. It is written:
John 14:14
"If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it.
Remember the power of His name. Call on it when it is difficult, praise it when it is hard, love it because He is.

God's Blessings